Standing at the starting line

Here it is, June 2013.  I still wait.  I stand here once again at the starting line on the road to trying to make our dream of having a family come to fruition.  I have been standing here for what seems like that last 10 years.  In reality I have been standing at the starting line of many different roads.  Each time we headed towards the finish line we have been sidelined.  Never really seeing the end in site.  Every time we stand there at the starting line my confidence wains a little more each time.  Will we meet their standards?  Will we pass the home inspection?  Are we good enough or are we too flawed?  Why do we keep even trying?  I try not to lose hope.

 

With our  most recent foster child placement a little over two months ago we felt hope. A baby in the house can do that to you. We have soon realized though that no matter how many times we tell ourselves that this child is temporary, it doesn't take the pain away when it gets closer and closer to a time when they will go home to whatever birth family there is.  I spent the time bonding with this child when there was no one.  I stayed up the late nights and through the nightly feedings, the tremendously stinky and dirty diapers, the withdrawals from whatever drug was in their system.  And because they are too young, they will never remember me a year or 10 years from now.  They will not remember when they are 18 that, for a time, I was their mommy.  I was their comforter.  I will not feel their hugs for the rest of my life.

 

Temporary sucks.  It's hard as hell.  I want my permanent forever child. Yes....I do know that saying "I want" is selfish.  I spent these last 10 years praying for a family saying "God willing," and "I would like..."  I just need it to be time to be able to say, "I want," and not feel selfish for wanting to be a mom.  To see the pain in my husband's eyes as he knows that this one will not be our forever child and how much he loves him is almost unbearable.

 

Unless you have walked in these same shoes you might not fully understand what this feeling is like.  We are a childless couple that wants nothing more than to be parents.  We have endured the roller coaster ride of fertility treatments.  We have made difficult choices to forgo IVF or IUI or even embryo adoption because our Catholic faith tells us its wrong.  We have had to accept the realization that no matter what we do we will never conceive a child on our own.  We have now even endured a full year of disappointment at the hands of DCS always finding some long lost family member or giving the foster children back to a family member because they meet the minimum standards requirement needed in order to have the child when we are held to a much higher standard as Foster parents. 

 

Every morning I pray.  I pray for a miracle.  For ten years I have prayed for a miracle.  Every day, every year, every minute I hope for a miracle.  And I still believe that miracles are possible.  I still wait for ours.

 

Pray for us.  Pray that we may experience the feeling of bringing home our own forever child.  Pray for strength and perseverance through this time.  And pray that finally the starting line that we are at is the one that we get to actually cross the finish line at.  Believe in Miracles.

 

 

 

 



Breaktime

Yes....I know its been over a month and a half since I last wrote.  When I last wrote on this blog we had just gotten our two foster kids.  Call it parenthood by fire.  After having never had a child in our home other than nieces and nephews, having two and one being three and the other being a baby, we had our hands full.  Every last second was spent as a family.  We even "forgot" about trying to conceive on our own as we tried to do everything we could do to stay awake past 9 most nights!  Now, so much has changed.  Two weeks ago our foster children went back to their birth family.  It was a short lived but very busy time that they were with us and no our life and home found itself empty again.  You'd think we'd "hop" to trying to conceive again.  Wrong.

 

 

A week and a half ago (two days after the foster kids went home) my Grandmother...who had been my best friend, my mentor, my lifeline, my everything...passed away.  My entire life came crashing down and still sits in a stage of rubble.  She had longed to someday hold and see my child....the child I could never give her because of this stupid lousy messed up thing in me called Infertility.  Sure, she has other great grandchildren and even a great great grandchild that she knew was on the way but I could never make happen the one thing she spoke to me of so often.  She truly believed that she'd see me have a child someday.  No matter how hard I tried I couldn't make that happen.

 

 

So....I decided its breaktime.  It's time that I not think about getting pregnant and having a child.  Right now I need to grieve.  Her passing left such a hole in my life that I can't move beyond it right now.  I can't think about charting and taking my temperature and looking for signs of ovulation.  Its time for a break.  Right now I can only make it through an hour or a minute at a time.  Grieving is a process and I need to give it its time without limitations.  My biological clock is ticking...this I know.  At this moment all I can do is let it tick.  I don't know when I will be done grieving let alone what tomorrow will bring so I will live in only today.

 

 

I am sure there will be more foster kids that we get called about but the first two that we were blessed to have in our home, even for the short time of a month and a week, will be the ones that had our heart the most.  The smile of the little guy every morning as he awoke ready to start the day through the eyes of a 4 month old.  Or the energy that the princess had throughout the day and the thoughts and questions out of her mouth.  These are the things that I will remember the most and miss the most.

 

 

I will still blog.  Maybe in a month or two I will be ready to start trying again.  Maybe not.  It's all a part of this path called infertility.  I won't stop believing in miracles and today I am not only wearing my bracelet but the one my Grandma had and had worn as well with the same saying.  For now its breaktime.

For One Moment in Time

It all happened in one moment...a moment that seemed to pan for forever.  Wednesday we got a call for our first placement with the local County Department of Children Services.  However, it wasn't only just one placement but rather a sibling placement.  A three year old and supposedly 3 month old.  My heart jumped as I asked for a few moments to call and clear it with my husband as this would impact the two of us..not just me. So many things went through my head but the one thing that shouted out the loudest was that I would be a mommy.  Something I had waited for so long for.

 

As my husband and I went to pick up these two little ones, excitement filled us.  Yet part of me felt like I was in some way turning my back on the little girl we had been hoping to adopt these last 6 months.  Realistically, we weren't giving up hope on the little girl but rather it was because of this little girl that we realized we could do this "parenting" thing after all.  The little girl we have visited and played with and had gotten to know had opened us up to realizing that our fears were just fears...they weren't reality.

 

Yet this journey of infertility hasn't stopped.  We won't stop trying to have our own child, but we have realized we can love a child that isn't our own flesh and blood no matter what.  Could it also be the little snuggling boy with his head resting against me as I fed him at 4 a.m this morning or his sister at 5:30 a.m. who climbed up onto the chair to snuggle up against me as she awoke early this morning?  For that one moment in time I truly felt like someone's mommy....a feeling I had never felt until now.

 

These special little ones placed in our life may be only for a moment.  Whether it be 3 months or 6 months, 1 year or 2 years, or even for a lifetime, our lives have been changed forever.  We won't ever forget the little girl that gave us our hope back...and we will never forget these two little ones who have truly helped us in the 2 short days they have been a part of our family to remember to Believe in Miracles.

Not so "sweet" emotion

Emotionally, these last several months have been crazy.  I don't think I realized how many emotions one person could experience in one day until these last couple of months.  I have been slack at writing on my blog since July as we have been trying to prepare our lives and our home for the next hopeful step in our lives....foster care and adoption.  While we know where we want to be headed, so much of the process is in the hands of someone else other than us and God.  It's currently in the hands of someone else who makes the decision if we are fit enough to have a foster child in our home...if our home is good enough...if we are good enough.  The waiting sucks.

 

I know that whether I was personally pregnant or whether we are choosing to adopt, there will always be a sense of waiting that must occur.   At least if I could have been pregnant I would know that usually the gestational time doesn't go past nine months.  With our foster care and adoption process we don't have that option.  What if the child that we fall in love with ends up not being able to become our child legally?  What is the judge chooses a family member that is a total stranger to that child over us?  What if we don't get approved?  We are warned to guard our hearts but how do you guard your heart when a family is everything you ever wanted? 

 

The wait gets harder.  Every time I hear of another person becoming pregnant either on Facebook or in my life, it makes the wait longer and the fear that we won't be good enough to be foster parents (or even just a parent) even greater.  Emotionally it drains me.  The future is uncertain...how can I plan for anything, hope for anything, when we are in the wait.  Every ring of the phone or piece of mail that comes to our mailbox is anticipated to be some sort of news on this path of ours to become a family but usually ends with disappointed as we continue to wait.

 

Emotions run high now with anger as I watch so many young pregnant women who are so complacent about what it is that they carry inside of them.  Has our society lost site of the fact that the act of conceiving a child is really a miracle?  Especially when statistically that egg and sperm have such a small window of opportunity to meet and actually join together and then the further complication of making it to the uterus where it has to implant into the wall.  It truly is a miracle.  In my eyes I would do everything to assure that the miracle I would be lucky enough to have (if only I was lucky enough) inside me was cared for in such a way that I wouldn't put it at risk for disease, developmental delays, or even the risk of death.  Why don't these pregnant women who smoke and drink and abuse their bodies in other ways during their pregnancies not care about that miracle?  Emotionally I want to scream.

 

I know that there would be fear irregardless of whether I was carrying a child of my own of the process we are currently going through.  I guess that is where hope comes into play.  I won't stop believing in miracles.  It has gotten us this far.  When I feel like giving in and giving up I continue to look at the silicone bracelet I wear that says BELIEVE IN MIRACLES.  Maybe our miracle will still come...whether adopted or conceived on our own.  I just know that when I look into the eyes of the child we hope to have as ours someday and hear that child call me Mommy or my husband Daddy, that I believe a little hard and hold on stronger to hope.

 

If you are in the same boat, don't give up.  Keep believing and keep praying.

Remembering

As I glanced at the last few posts that I wrote on this blog, I realized that I hadn't written in over a month.  Our lives have been filled with happiness and a variety of other emotions as we have been preparing for the dreaded Home Study in order to get our licensure to be Foster parents. With our goal of having a family our focus right now we have begun to rid our home of the things that bogged us down.  I mean, really...so many of us want to lose weight and make other changes in our life but never get to it until we are forced to for some reason, right?  For us it was the collection of 9+ years of clutter and old memories that really aren't even memories anymore as we had forgotten why we even kept something from that 9 years ago.  Regardless of what it is we have to declutter our live in order to make room for new memories and room for a child.  So why then do I hold on to the old feelings of frustration and failure as I look at my life and my inability to conceive?  Why can't I rid that in my life?

 

I was re reminded of the pain of infertility and my own challenges and failings in my life with the announcement of yet another person I know finding out that they were pregnant...without even trying.  I have tried for so long.  I have let go and said "if it happens, it happens," and I have even resolved to the idea that a foster or adopted child would still be my child irregardless.  However, I still remember the feelings and the pain of my infertility.  I remember the pain when someone else who has struggled from infertility announces their pregnancy and then proceeds to talk about the wonderfulness of pregnancy for 9 months.  The wonderfulness that I will never experience.  I remember the pain when my cycle goes from being somewhat normalized for several months to now being nearly 50 days in, hopeful that maybe I will see a plus sign this month only for the hopes to be dashed with test after test coming back negative.  I remember what it feels like to feel all along once again...even though I know there are people out there on my friends list or even followers of this blog that are going through the same thing or similar experiences as me.  I remember as I try to maintain intimacy with my husband how these moments still will be unfruitful and we will not multiply.  I remember it all.

 

It was just over a year ago that I first started this blog.  I am proud of where it has gone and I hope that it continues to keep growing and going forward.  As I read back on some of my past blogs I remember the emotion, the stories, the events even that prompted those posts. These memories I will not clear from my life.  They are part of my life that I can't toss away.  I recall most recently being asked on the Foster Care Licensure Family inventory a question regarding infertility that asked how we had dealt with infertility is that was an issue.  It even hinted to the idea that they wanted to know how we had "gotten over" the issue or resolved it.  As I sat and thought about it I came to the conclusion that you never truly get over infertility.  It sticks with you the rest of your life...regardless if you are trying for your first, your second, or your third.  Infertility is a horrible thing regardless.  While I have grown from these experiences and not the same person I was a year ago, I will never be able to throw this journey away like the clutter I got rid of at my home.  I have met many people who go through the same things I have.  If I hadn't had this journey I probably wouldn't have met the person who has brought us to this point of foster care and adoption and the potential for our family to become a reality.

 

I haven't stopped believing in miracles.  I glance at this bracelet on my wrist at least a hundred times a day and each time I stop and say a prayer...whether it for me, one of my many friends on this same journey, or for the child that we hope someday will be ours. My journey isn't over.  Even after 9+ years of trying to conceive, our journey to our family becoming a reality is still at the beginning.  For today I will keep looking at this bracelet and those words and remember where and why they came to be.

 

Don't stop believing in miracles.

Without seeing...

"I never thought I could fall in love without ever seeing with my eyes.  I never knew my soul could feel the way it does about someone not even of my own flesh and blood."

A few weeks ago if you told me that I could love a child that wasn't my own flesh and blood as if it was my own I would have dismissed you and your ideas.  However, now I would agree.  My husband and I have been talking in the past about becoming licensed as foster parents with an intention to adopt.  Several of my posts have in the past touched on this idea.  With vigor in our step we are racing to get all the paperwork and classes completed in order to get it down sooner rather than later.  Recently we fell in love.  We fell in love with a child even before having the opportunity to meet that child.  Our hearts were smitten.  For a few moments we completely forgot about our infertility struggle.  Only for a few moments.

I won't take this time to talk about the child, who they are, or anything of that matter as it is too soon to dwell on it and the privacy of all parties involved is important.  Someday...someday, if and when all has culminated into my husband and I having this addition to our family legally, then and only then can and will we share about some of that part of the journey.  At that point it shouldn't matter anyways as they will be legally our child...our son or daughter.  Rather, I choose to use my post today to talk about this role in our infertility journey.

I think I need to clarify things.  I've spent alot of time thinking these last few weeks about adoption, foster care, and our infertility.  Just because we have the opportunity to possibly adopt doesn't mean that I have forgotten completely about my infertility.  Likewise, we didn't fall head over heals for this child because of our infertility as some as you may think.  We fell head over heals because the time was right.  We fell head over heals because God made it possible for it to happen.  This child doesn't serve as a substitute for a child of our own.  Rather, this child becomes and is a part of our heart from the start.  Even if it didn't work out for us to adopt this child, we know now that it is possible to love that greatly and to live such a warming and full life.  We had been warned to guard our hearts so that if it didn't work out that it wouldn't hurt so bad.  But if you guard your heart you can not fully give and accept the love that a parent needs to have.  While we speak as if our hearts are guarded, we know deep down that we couldn't block the heart from totally accepting this child eyes and smile and love into it. 

Our biggest road block thus far has been negativity by a few individuals in our life.  The positive I have received from their negativity is a strength beyond anything I ever thought imaginable.  We have chosen to fill our life through this process with positivity.  I have spoken throughout my blog about the importance of believing in miracles.  Negativity creates an obstacle to believing in the positive.  It creates an inability to believe that miracles are possible.   Recently when I got depressed thinking that this kind of miracle couldn't happen to and for us because we don't get miracles, I was reminded by a friend that part of believing in miracles is believing that they can happen and that they can happen to us.

The journey of infertility is long.  Adoption doesn't make us any less infertile.  Adoption isn't a cure to infertility.  For us though, it is to road that is opening our eyes and our hearts to the possible.  It is the road that is opening our eyes to miracles. 

Don't stop believing in miracles.  I won't.  You can't.  Together we will continue to walk this journey hand in hand, educating others in the pain and struggle we endure, all while hoping for miracles to come out way.  Believe in Miracles.

When Tears Stream...

July 4, 2011.  Its a day that will forever be in my memory.  For most people, July 4th marks a day full of cook outs and family fun.  On that fourth of July, my life was anything but fun.  My husband and I had just come back the day before from a wedding of a relative. I had spent alot of time that weekend feeling invisable.  Invisable because we were one of the only childless couples in attendance at that wedding.  Invisable because even the in laws paid attention more to their grandchild that was there and left us out of doing things with them and other families with kids.  We were forgotten about.  We were invisable.  And inside I was hurting over yet another negative pregnancy test.

On that fourth of July I sat and cried.  Tears streamed down my face and I couldn't stop them.  I shook.  I rocked back and fourth.  I even tried to get my husband to leave me alone that day and go down to the lake house to spend time with his family.  I wanted to be alone. Yet there was fear inside of me about what I would have done had I been all alone.  I was depressed.  I was that depressed.  There was once again someone announcing they were expecting on Facebook or in an email.  There were pictures of new born babies being sent to my email from people not realizing just how it was hurting me and impacting me.  I wanted to ease the pain.  Alcohol couldn't give me any relief...it just made me more depressed.  I couldn't stop sobbing.  I couldn't understand why me....why us.  Others just wanted me to forget about having a child.  Others said to me that maybe it was God's way of telling me I wouldn't be a good mother or that maybe all I would be able to have were defective children.  I couldn't get thoughts like that out of my head.

It was also on that night that my husband wrapped me in his arms and told me that he wasn't giving up...and he wasn't going to let me give up either.  And he let me cry...and shake...and rock.  And he wiped my tears and made me pull myself together and leave the house that evening.  He made me take my first steps out the front door and keep living life.

I want nothing more than to be a mom.  To have a child of mine and my husband's.  I felt like a failure.  I felt flawed.  How could I consider myself a woman if the parts of my physical body that made me a woman didn't work?  No one I knew at that time understood.  No one could walk with me and put their arms around me and tell me it would be ok.  I was alone.  I was invisible.

In the year since that day...that day that I will never forget...I have gained a strength I never knew I would or could even have.  I met a group of others going through that same journey as me on Facebook.  I met others who cried those same tears I was crying.  I have yet to meet any of them face to face yet their support every single day helps me through this journey.  It was because of them that I started this blog. They gave me the courage to move forward, wake up each day, and to not give up.  They remind me to always believe in miracles....even when I feel like giving up.

I write this blog not just for me but for every single one of them.  I write this blog out of hope that if it helps even just one person today or tomorrow or a year from now and keeps them from giving up, then every word I type is worth it.  Every part of my life shared is worth it.

I wear my Believe in Miracles bracelet not just for me.  I wear it for every single person who struggles with this painful lonely journey.  I am not alone.  I am part of a bigger sister and brother hood.  I won't stop believing.  I will wake up each day, put on my shoes, and walk out that front door and face each day. 

When tears stream down you face, I will be there.  Don't stop believing in miracles.